Until you.

Until you, I had never cried for a man that wasn't mine. 

Until you, I thought forever was kind of a crock of shit. 

Until you, I thought you had to spend time with someone, physically, in order to fall in love. 

Until you, I was convinced that my future held a never ending string of short, unfulfilling relationships. 

Until you, I never understood what it felt like to be truly possessive. 

Until you, I never really understood what it meant to be someone's lady. 

Until you, love was a fleeting, abstract thing that I never thought I would fully experience. 

Until you, I thought I would grow old alone. 

Then you were gone...

I didn't know what to do. 

How was I going to exist without you?

How do I love again?

Simple answer... I'm not...

I'll let you go, I'll set you free

I'll let you see what you need to see

When you find you, come back to me. 

Oh mah god, Becky...

Look at her butt...

At what point does a date stop being a date? 

I had a date last night with, let's call him R, that lasted a reallllllly long time. When I say really long time, I mean I didn't leave until 5:30. That's the second time that's happened too. 

Now I'm not complaining, and this definitely shouldn't read as such. R and I have an amazing time together. We are able to have these really deep, soul defining conversations, then watch the Simpsons. He has made me realize things about myself that no one else has. 

I should say at this point that he and I have been friends for a really long time; 4 years to be exact. It was only in the last week or so that we have really started the dating process. We consider ourselves to be best friends that just kinda fell for each other. 

Is that even the right way to say that? The feelings of affection and admiration have been there for a long time as well. It's not like the falling for each other was sudden. I've felt this way about him for several years. We never dated due to distance. 

Geezus I've just poured my soul out to my blog... Writing is usually the easiest way for me to process things. Maybe this all just needed saying?

Midnight Musings

Good evening my darlings! Did you miss me?? Of course you did :) Here is a list of happenings in my life this far:

-Moved out of my parents house! Now I have my own big girl apartment. 

-Got a job in the Dallas area! Big city girl now!

-Broke up with Carlos. Unfortunately the move caused lots of strain and he started turning into a major asshat. He was so mean and snotty before I moved. 

-Pursuing someone previously mentioned on my blog :) Yep, that's right ladies and gents... That lovely friend I mentioned several times? Now that I'm in Dallas, we can make an attempt at dating! Finally!

-Becoming comfortable in my skin. It's an ongoing process... Always has been. Thanks to aforementioned boyfriend material, accepting my loveliness is getting easier. 

-MS still isn't an official diagnosis, but with medication my symptoms are under control. No more weakling bladder!

-Chopped my hair off again! If you follow me on IG (which you totes should) you've seen my new, fierce locks. 

-Finally quit waitressing... It needed to happen. I was dying. 

That's what's up with me!! Hopefully big girl apartment means more time for teh blog :)

Quarter Century

Today is my big 2-5...

Yep, I'm 25 years old today. Holy crap. I think today is the day that I'm officially an adult. It feels so weird.

To update briefly on how things are going.... My grandma is really sick. In September she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In the last 2 weeks she has really gone down hill. She is no longer able to walk, her bowels are shutting down, and she's so weak. I really think the end is very near. It makes me so sad to know that I'm close to such a milestone in my life and so close to losing someone that's so important to me.

The Headaches, The Food, The Fat

The headaches... Dear sweet baby Jesus the headaches. I have had a headache constantly for the last 6 days. Not my normal everyday headache. These have been bitches. I guess I can't say constantly, because I was actually headache free yesterday until about 6pm. Then in the middle of dinner it hit.

I can't really tell anyone about the headaches. It makes me really sad when I mention the pain to Carlos. He gets this angst filled look on his face that utterly breaks my heart. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. It's his nature to sacrifice and comfort the ones he loves, so it hurts me to know that there's nothing he can do for me.

The food... Love/hate as always. Fucking Sonic. Yeah... Giving up Sonic for lent was not successful. I tried, but I wasn't able to hold on. I guess the good news is that the breakfast I eat at sonic lasts me WELL past lunch time. It's usually 4 or 5 before I still feeling a bit hungry, and then it's time for dinner. I know that's not good, but the calories in my normal breakfast are over half of my day's allowance.

The fat... Starting the new job... I gained weight. Almost all of it back. I am standing now at 275. I am really trying to find time to exercise and eat better, but my emotions and stress tend to get the best of me. I'm not proud of it.

MS

Afternoon lovely bloggers. Long time no speak...

I'm really happy I still have my blog, because I really need to get some stuff off my chest. Hopefully I will be able to post more often. I need this outlet. 

I'm currently undergoing testing to be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I have had 2 MRIs and a lumbar puncture this spring break. 

I have a constant headache and my lower back hurts. My toes are numb and I get random pins and  needles in my feet and hands. I have to pee constantly and sometimes I can't hold it and pee on myself. I'm 24, almost 25 and I am incontinent. 

I'm trying to fight, but I don't have the energy. I want to keep going, but I'm just tired. I want answers. I want to know why. Why me? Why this? Why now? Why can't I have some relief?

I want to be able to do cross fit, kick boxing, hell anything. 

I'm still here!

Howdy all!

I'm still around. Life has been leaving me in the dust lately. Here is a quick update on things...

Carlos and I are still together! We are coming up on 8 months of happy, fantastic, dysfunction. He's the best guy ever and I'm a lucky girl to have him. Did I mention that he cleaned my car out?! He's a brave man too.

The new job.... I love my kids. I love teaching. I have a TERRIBLE boss. She's so terrible to me. She's demeaning, rude and never misses an opportunity to cut me down. She's an asshole.

I've recently gotten into making homemade bath and body stuff :) all natural lotions, creams, scrubs mad maybe some candles eventually. I really hope that I can get good enough at making the stuff so I can sell it and make some extra money.