The Perils of Depression

One of the downfalls of having depression is the dependency on the pills to make your moods stable. While I can't say that stable moods are a bad thing (neither are the pills for that matter), problems tend to arise when the pills run out... Or disappear...

I haven't had my meds in several days. I left them on the headboard of my bed and the dogs had a party in my room, completely destroying any semblance of order. In short, my pills went poof. No idea where they wound up. I've torn my bedroom and the living room apart. No dice. Luckily I did find an old prescription with some pills left, so I took a dose last night...

Since I've been off my meds, my moods and eating have been off the charts terrible. I ate a brownie for breakfast today... And I don't give a blue flying fuck. I can definitely tell that my moods have been effected. Yesterday was not exactly a very happy day in Sammie land..

That amazing friend I have that I post about a lot? He and I... Well... I'm not sure... I said some things that I should have kept to myself (not bad, per se, but things that really shouldn't have been said) and I was very upset with myself after that massive confession. His reaction was exactly what I knew it would be, but it didn't make it any less sucky. So needless to say I spent a large part of last night mentally berating myself for being a TFM (total fucking moron) and crying.

My dad was also a bit of an asshat last night. I was not amused. He was very nosy and pilfering through my shit in my room. With the mood I was in, it was not a pleasant thing... I sent him SEVERAL very rude hand gestures while his back was turned. I'm not 12... Stop trying to run my life. Leave me and my shit alone.

I really can't wait to move out on my own again. I need my own space again. I miss being able to walk around my OWN house in nothin but a pair of drawers... Or sit topless on my couch and watch Doctor Who... Or let my bits air dry after a shower... Or sleep in a pair of panties... Or leave my jeans on the floor after a long ass day and not be screamed at to pick them up... Or take care of my own shit without nagging... Or not have an MF-ing cerfew... Or be able to have people stay over without making them sleep on an icky ass couch.

I'm still in a pooper of a mood today.. I suspect I will be for the rest of the weekend too. Balls... I need a stiff drink...

NSV Link Up: Goal Style

Goooood morning my sweet loves! It's Thursday!!! Meaning 2 things... #1 It's a NSV Link Up Day!!!! And #2 Tomorrow is Friday! I'm really excited about this weekend. SUPER FREAKIN EXCITED!! So many plans :) I'll be sure to post pictures on Monday. Let's just say, some things around here are going to get shorter!

So... On to my Non Scale Victories for the week..

My NSVs focus around my realization of my actual goals for my life. Yesterday I touched on what I want as far as life in general. Since I try to keep my NSVs fitness related, I spent some time contemplating on what exactly my fitness goals are.. I've come to realize that my goals aren't about getting down to a certain size, or really a certain weight for that matter.This is the list I've come up with:

-I want to be able to run a 5K without wanting to die... Or vomit...

-I want to be able to get through an entire yoga DVD without having to rest or modify the poses.

-I want to be more comfortable in my own skin.

The last one is probably the biggest hurdle, but it's also the goal that I'm working on the hardest. I have a wonderful friend that never hesitates to tell me how amazing and beautiful I am. He even had me send him a picture when I thought I looked my worst (just waking up, puffy eyes, drool, frizzy ginger poodle hair, still in the throws of sleepy grumpiness) and told me that even at MY perceived worst, I was still very pretty.

 

Isn't he sweet?

With his talks and coaching, I'm slowly starting to beleive what he's saying. I don't look in the mirror and pick myself apart anymore. Instead I admire what I see. I see the curve of my waist and the fact that I do have an hourglass shape. I can see the subtle differences that the running and squats are making in my legs. I want to be stronger, not skinnier.

This all links into a quote that someone posted in a forum on MyFitnessPal this morning. Immediately after reading, I shared it on my personal Facebook, this blog's Facebook and I knew I would link it into my post here. I found it very moving.

"It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly because we don't really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent. With chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don't see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see yourself looking at someone with care inside your heart. There's no mirror in your way when you're laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly beautiful." Author Unknown

What Do You Want?

What do you want? How can I help you? What is it that you need? These are questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. What do you want for breakfast? What do you need to make your job easier? What do you want out of life?

That's the question of the decade.

This is a question that my best friend, Ellie, and I discussed last night. For the sake of her privacy I won't say what she wants. Some Most of the stuff is pretty private and her business to let the world in on. What I will talk about, however, is my stuff.. What I want with my life.

When I started this blog, it was supposed to be nothing but happy weight loss festivities. Then it evolved into something more than that. This blog is as close to being me as you can get without actually touching me. I don't hide anything, and if I'm uncomfortable discussing something I'll say so. Likely if this happens, I will open up about it on a later date. When being honest with myself, it means being honest on the blog as well. I've made some amazing self discoveries while typing in this little box and clicking publish so that the world can see what I think. This is one of those serious, self discovery posts.

Like I've said a freakin billion several times before... Chunky isn't a body shape for me, it's a state of mind. The journey from Chunky to Funky is more about transforming my mind and spirit than transforming my body... Yes, weight will be lost. Yes, health will be gained. I want, more than anything to feel better about myself as a person, no matter my size. I love the NSV and Spring Training Link Ups, because they focus on something more than weight. Funky is healthy, happy, and peaceful. Funky is what I want to be. Happy with myself, happy with others, happy with life.

For once in my life...

Getting back to what I want... Ellie and I were talking about what exactly we want with our futures. We are around the same age (me= nearly 24 her= newly 27) and both kind of stuck in a rut. She's made the recent discovery that she HATES her career and I can't get mine to actually start. We both recently broke up with our fiances and we are both looking very closely at graduate school (for the same thing, no less). We are both open to the idea of being single, but I do eventually want to find a relationship. I'm talking to a very dear friend of mine at the moment, and we've discussed the possibility of pursuing something more than friendship. It's just not time for that at the moment. I want to be single and have my head clear. Thankfully he's completely ok with that. We also live 2.5 hours apart. Damn you distance.

In the grand scheme of things.. I know that these are some of the things that I want:

• I want to eventually spend the rest of my life with someone.
• I want a person to be my significant other that isn't crazy (like bad crazy), clingy, or with mommy issues. I want to be your girlfriend/wife, not your mother.
• I want to go to graduate school. Books are my thing. Time to make them a career. Masters in Library Science, here I come!
• I want to experiment with my likes and dislikes when it comes to... Well... BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.. If you are curious, no I'm not sexually confused.. I'm as straight as the pole your momma dances on, I just have very limited experience when it comes to things...
• I want to travel. Like... Haul my ass to Europe and all over the States... There's so much I've never seen.
• I don't want to plan a stupid wedding. The thought of myself in a poofy white dress and my best friends as cookie cutter bridesmaids makes me a little... Queasy... If I find the person I'm supposed to marry, then he and I will go to Vegas... No plans for me thanks...

I don't know a whole lot about my future... It's all very fuzzy to me at the moment, but amongst the fuzzy is brightness. My future is so bright, I gotta wear shades...

It's all in your head!

It's all in me 'ead! IT'S ALL IN ME 'EAD!!!

Ok... So I don't have the awesome accent to say it like the cute little farmer guy on Chicken Run. Oh well. I promised a post about this topic last weekend, and let's just say that life happened.

I have a bit of a....quirky..... relationship with food. It's not as terrible as some stories I've read, but it's not super healthy. Like most girls women I know, I get the typical cravings when my Aunt Irma is coming to visit (along with water retention and at least one zit somewhere on my face).

When I was growing up, I was taught to clean my plate. Eat all the food on my plate, because there are starving children all over the world who would kill to eat like you do. I was also taught that it's quite rude to turn anything down that is offered to you. "Oh! You want me to eat this cake and that ice cream and then pizza as a snack?! OK!"

This is still a mindset that I struggle with.... To.This.Day. I no longer feel bad turning food down from people. Shockingly enough, people won't like you any less for saying no thanks to cupcakes. Who knew?! Leaving food on my plate or the table, however, is an entirely different story.

Pizza (along with Chick Fil A) is my complete undoing... Pizza more so than the other... I love pizza. I could eat pizza daily, 3 times a day. Pizza is the food of the gods... NOM NOM NOM.

I had something really scary happen to me a couple weekends ago. James and I went to Pizza Hut for dinner on a Sunday evening. We ordered a medium thin crust meat lovers and a small order of cheese bread. We both ate 2 peices of cheese bread and 2 slices of pizza... Leaving half the pizza to be put in a box and taken home. We were both satisfied at this point and decided that we wouldn't be eating anymore. We sat there sipping water and something very scary happened to me..

I wanted to finish the pizza... At one point in my life, I would have finished the pizza. I told myself, "No.. This is just a craving. You aren't really hungry. Do not eat the pizza." I broke out into a cold sweat, my heart starting racing and I started hyperventilating. I had a freakin panic attack over not finishing the pizza.

I've had panic attacks before.. I'm not stranger to them. But let me tell you.... That one was by far the scariest for me. I've never had a panic attack over denying myself food. I didn't need it! I wasn't hungry! Yeah... Tell that to my hyperactive brain...

Then another day this week, Mom and I brought home Papa Murphy's pizza.. I was good and ate 3 pieces and stopped... But I could NOT put it away. I'm the person that puts food away and sneaks bites off the spoon or whatever while I'm taking care of the leftovers. Thankfully Mom saw that I was struggling and put the food away without help.

The biggest part of my struggle with my weight is all in my head. It's a mental game. I have to outsmart myself and not give in to the random cravings I have.

It's all in me 'ead... It's all in me 'ead..

No Happy Post Today

I had a couple of happy posts in the works for today... But it ain't happening... I'll elaborate more on Monday. Right now I'm too busy wiping my tears away at my desk.

If you are a religious person, please pray for me to whatever God you so choose. If you are not religious, then good vibes and thoughts are welcome. I have to do something extremely difficult and I'm feeling very torn up about it. Please pray/vibe that the person I am interacting with is receptive, accepting and understanding. Please pray/vibe for healing for me, but this other person more than anything.

Until next time blogosphere... Don't cry...

-Sammie

Explanations and Non-Scale Victories

First of all.. If I offended anyone with my comments regarding boobies yesterday, please accept my most sincere apologies... It was not my intention at all and everything posted yesterday was done in the name of humor (or personal experience). In middle school, the tiny girls would make fun of me for having boobs bigger than everyone else. It even got to the point where there were rumors of implants or me doing something to make them grow. That is where the comments about the itty, bitty, titty committee came into play. Have a C or D cup at 13 is ZERO fun and I still shudder when I think of some of the awful things my "friends" would say to me. I shouldn't have said some of the things I did. My apologies.

Now it's time for another NSV Link Up! The purpose of this link up is to celebrate your victories over the week that have nothing to do with that number the scale shows you. As always, this link up is hosted by Lex over at  Life By Lex and Katie over at KTJ Weighing In. If you don't follow these beautiful ladies yet, I highly recommend it! Wonderful reads!

I can't really say that I have any big NSVs this week. Quite frankly, I've been a snotty, snarky heifer... I'm not sleeping like I should. My mind is going a mile a minute. I'm craving things that are terrible for me and rolling my eyes at anything healthy. I can't even really concentrate on getting a good run in...

I suppose my victory for the week is that I haven't given in to my cravings... My friend in OK was talking to me last night about McDonalds. So today I want me a 20 piece chicken nuggets, large friends and a sweet tea. I won't give in to the want, but that's what I want.

A big part of my victory this week I'm guessing has more to do with mental fitness than physical fitness. It is a real testament that I haven't thrown in my towel and said "screw it." Historically, this time comes with almost EVERYTHING I've set out to do.... Everything... I have an issue with commitment. Did I really just admit that? Am I really so afraid of success that I sabotage myself into failure?

Until next time blogosphere... Stay sane...

-Sammie

Nothing Really Matters... Or Does It?

I'm sitting here at my computer at work... And I'm stuck..

What the hell am I going to talk about today?

Does anyone really even want to read about what I have to say?

Am I deluding myself into thinking that people care more about my opinions than they really do?

Why in the hell am I even keeping this blog?

What the hell is the point of me being here?

Does anyone actually read this damn thing?



Yep.. This exactly.

 Most of this, dear blogosphere, is the result of my daily battle with depression. Yes, the meds make it better, but there are still lots of inner struggles that I need to overcome in order to make it to Funky. Self doubt is one of the biggest hurdles I'm struggling with at the point. I have this nasty habit of thinking that I mean more to people than I really do. Call it ego, call it hope. Who knows. Then when People don't respond like I think they will, I get down and feel ready to give up. If no one responds, the majority must be right. I must really suck as much as they think I do.

I tend to base my self worth on whether people like me or not. And I gauge how much people like me on the most ridiculous and arbitrary things. I'm a terribly insecure person and I know that this is something that is fueled by my wonderful seratonin imbalance.




If only I can remember this


Don't worry... I'm not actually going anywhere. And I know that some people read the blog and others don't. I'm not so narcassitic to think that I'm everyone's favorite blogger. I'm just feeling a tad whiney today. Mom and I had a particularly difficult conversation this morning about my bio father which put a bit of a damper on my mood.

Until next time blogosphere, stay sane.

-Sammie

P.S. If you haven't signed up for my giveaway, go now!! I promise it won't just be the journal :) I'll throw some other (undetermined) awesomeness in the box when I mail it! You can find it here!

Rough Weekend

I've been sitting here, staring at this screen for about 2 hours trying to figure out how to put my weekend into words. I suppose I should start off with a story as to why my weekend was rough...

About 6 weeks ago I went to see a doctor about getting back on an antidepressant. I wasn't able to get in to see my PCP, so I settled for another doctor hoping to get some relief. I went in and explained my situation and that I knew I had depression and I wanted to be medicated for it.

Side Note: I am typically well educated on my own medical issues. I do my research and ask questions to clarify my own understanding. I never claim to know more than the doctors, but I do know my body better than anyone else.

The doctor I saw has the nerve/audacity/bawls/cajones/whatever you call it to blame my depression on the fact that I'm fat. He also went along to say that I would be fine if I would just go ahead and get some exercise daily. "Some exercise and a better diet with completely get rid of that depression." Yeah... Great thinking Sherlock... While I do acknowledge that exercise will boost your serotonin levels and cause an increase in mood (thank you neuroscience classes), I am aware that it will not be a cure for all of the issues.  After some raised eyebrows and begging, I got my pills and instructions to follow up in a month.

2 weeks ago I call in a refill and I am informed that my Prozac was not given any refills... So I've been without pills for about a week and a half. Being on an antidepressant and suddenly coming off is NO fun. I try to be casual and upbeat on here, but sometimes I'm a complete mess. This weekend was no exception. The smallest things made me sob or made me angry. I slept until 9 on Saturday and 8:30 on Sunday (normally I'm out of bed around 7:15 on weekends, 6:00 on weekdays), and could not bring myself to do anything productive. It was very difficult. Luckily yesterday (no work, thanks to President's Day) I was able to get into see my PCP and get a year's worth of refills and a bit higher dose. I'm not back 100%, but I'm doing better than expected!

Reflections Pt. 2

More reflections musings on my post about reflections (see what I did there?).


It's amazing the power that one reflection can have over your entire day. Reflections even have the power to alter moods. I'm not talking strictly about negative reactions, reflections can cause positive changes in mood, but only if you have the cajones to train yourself to have that positive reaction.

It's all a matter of having the courage to look at that reflection and say, "damn she fine" rather than the typical reaction of "ugh, nasty ass heifer." It takes a hell of a lot more balls to praise yourself than it does to tear yourself down.

I, personally, do not have 1/10th of the nutz it takes to look at myself and say, "heeeeey sexy lady!" Negative. Nope. I don't like looking in mirrors, or windows, or shiny cars. It's nearly unbareable for me to watch while I brush my teeth. I've also mastered the art of brushing my hair without a mirror and I do not wear make up. Why in the hell would I want to stare at myself for that long?!

This is something that I'm going to have to fix. No amount of diet and exercise can undo the self loathing that's been engrained in my psyche for years. This is something that is probably going to require professional help. Oh freaking yay...

Live Music is Good for the Soul

My parents and I have a Thursday night tradition. At our favorite Mexican food place, they have live music every Thursday from 6:30-10:30pm. The guys that play (always the same 2 guys) are the most awesome performers. They are a (mostly) cover band with a few originals thrown in. I really think my parents take me just to see me laugh and smile again. Hell, even dad slips them extra tips to play the songs I like. During breaks they visit the tables and always hug me and mom, and shake dad's hand.

Steve and Earl never fail to bring a smile to my face, even when I'm in the crappiest of moods. It's all classic country, with some modern thrown in and Steve's originals. One of the originals spoke to me tonight. It was called "Looking Up." You always get further by looking up. Think about that one for a bit...

My give a damn's busted

One of the crappy things I experience occasionally are those days when you just don't give a damn. Mine are more often than not as of late. Today is a don't give a damn day. How can you tell if you are having a don't give a damn day? Here are some signs:

Overwhelming desire to crawl under the nearest large object and sleep.

Refusal to wear appropriate clothing for the day. (I don't care if I'm working... Jeans are FINE! Just be happy I'm not in effin fuzzy slippers!)

Your hair... Dear lord your hair.

Your alarm goes off and you refuse to move until the urge to pee nearly consumes you.

You seriously consider pulling up Netflix and scrapping any lessons that we're left for you.

Does anyone else have any signs that your give a damn might be dysfunctional? Share them in the comments!

I'm terrible...

I'm the world's worst when it comes to remembering things. I'm always getting distracted by something, someone, or a random thought that pops into my head.

This habit is absolutely unfortunate when it comes to taking medication. I'll be going to take my Prozac and get distracted by the dog laying on my bed or u mess in my floor. Then I'll wake up in the morning and realize I forgot. Crap.

I also am the girl that walks into a room and forgets why I'm there. All. The. Time. If I don't write things down or put them on a calendar,I'll forget i.e birthdays, appointments, paydays, etc...

Now that I think of it, I was supposed to work on that singing telegram order form for HOSA... Crap. Off I go!

Ouch...

Something happened at work today that piqued my interest... Apparently a bunch from the high school that I normally sub at took window paint to a rival high school's vehicles. Stupid high school assery..

I heard about what happened, so I went on twitter to check it out. Pretty reliable source, considering the kids actually fessed up to being there. So, I was searching on twitter and I came across some tweets making fun of me...

Apparently I was talking to myself in 2nd period today and the kids saw me. This is normal for me... I tend to talk to myself when I'm thinking or writing (I did both today). I wasn't prepared, however, for being made fun of... Strike one for my fragile ego :-(

I suppose this is something I should expect. I'm an adult, they're kids. They are supposed to think I'm a little BSC. I just wasn't prepared. Lesson learned blog-o-sphere... Don't search for high school news on twitter and expect to come out with your pride intact.

Depression

Something that makes me a bit sad is the stigma attached to mental illness. There are perfectly normal people functioning in society today that suffer from mental illness. You typically can't tell it from looking at them, or even talking to them, but it's there. God forbid, however, that anyone find out that you do have a mental illness. The jokes about "loony bins" and "happy pills" or just the people that look at you different when the truth comes to light.

Here's the truth my dear blog-o-sphere... I have depression... I have probably had the disease since I was young, as I look back on my behavior patterns. Can't sleep (or sleeping all the time), complete lack of interest in anything, exhaustion, head aches. Sounds like me, doesn't it? That's just what people can see. What they can't see is my thoughts... No one wants to see my thoughts. Sometimes they are even too morbid for me to comprehend.

I also have a family history of depression. Apparenlty there is a lot of mental illness on my sperm donor's side of the family. From what it sounds like, I'm lucky to come off with a small case of depression and nothing else.

Since losing my job, my parents and grandparents have noticed my behavior. My mom brought up the fact that I might want to go back on an anti-depressant. I was on one a couple years ago for (what I thought) was situational depression. I made an appointment to see my doctor and got back on Prozac (there's the makings of a joke there).I've been on since Tuesday. I'm hoping I start feeling something again. The numbness is not a fun thing.

PMS Brain, Moving, and Jobs

I'd call this a productive weekend, at least a productive Saturday. I can't say much about today, other than PMS is a B.I.T.C.H. I hate the things it does to my emotions... I cried over a freakin Food Network special. SERIOUSLY?!

Anyway... Back to Saturday... One of my closest friends in the whole giant world moved into an apartment with her boyfriend fiance (I forgot that he proposed!!), so James, Richard and I went to South Austin to help her move. Let me tell you, 3rd floor stairs are BRUTAL. My knees were slightly angry at the end of the day. But I would do it all over again for these guys. Friday night we all stayed at their old place, and it was a blast. If a house could explode from sheer nerd-dom, the place would have been rubble.

Thursday, Richard and I went to Austin (again, yes) to have lunch with his grandpa. Harry was pretty awesome and I even had a quasi job interview. I sent a follow up email today, hoping I at least get the opportunity to fill out an application for the openings they have. I could do mid level management in Austin.. No sweat lol.

Christmas was good to me.. James got me the Complete Works of Shakespeare! That may be the one gift that I'm most excited about. It's living in my car at the moment, simply because I don't want my scavenger dog to gnaw on the cover.

Nothing overly thought provoking or sentimental today.. My brain is far too hormone riddled to even complete the blog post I started about my latest book I'm reading. Hooray for PMS brain!

How to deal with a micromanager?

Not 100% sure... Just one of the several work issues I'm dealing with. I feel emotions that I probably won't share with the entire internet. I'm frustrated, exhausted, and stressed. Have I mentioned that it's only my first day back?

I think that one of the many focuses of this blog will be not only making my body healthy, but keeping a healthy mind and spirit. I will readily admit that I suffer from depression from time to time.

I am not medicated (nor have I been diagnosed recently), but I know the signs of the disease. I was medicated a couple years ago and have been considering talking to my doctor about getting back on the medicine. I wish I had the resources to talk to a counselor on a regular basis, but my small town and insurance plan do not allow for that. I know the symptoms and I know myself well enough to know when I am slipping, and I'm slipping now. I'm tired all the time, I get body aches and head aches, I cry, and I have no energy. I no longer enjoy things that I once enjoyed. I used to love my job, now I don't care.