Countdown to 5K.. Holy Crap.. Spring Training...

Without thinking about what I was doing, I volunteered to walk in the Great Strides 5K here in Austin.. This 5K benefits the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I was originally supposed to walk with one of my students and Carlos, but both had crap come up. I asked Ellie to walk with me, but she's working on moving into a bigger apartment and has to make a trip to Texas City. My student is taking her SAT that day and Carlos was scheduled to work. Whomp whomp. Looks like I'll be hoofing it all by myself.

This is way ahead of the June 1st schedule I've been following and I'm seriously considering backing out. I don't want to walk by myself. I love the idea of 5Ks, but they're not too terribly much fun if you walk them by yourself. Normally I train by myself, but I want to actually compete with someone.

What say you blogosphere? Should I still go and walk in the 5K? I didn't pay any money to enter and I haven't really raised any money either. Nothing would be lost if I did not go, I'm just being whiney and don't want to go it alone. Additionally- If any of you beauties live in the Austin area and want to represent CHS HOSA with me, let me know! I would love the company and I can send you the link to sign up :)

I guess one of the good things that has happened is I finally got myself some new shoes. They are so amazingly comfortable. I haven't had a chance to run in them yet, but I feel that happening tonight! I haven't gone on a good walk or run in what feels like forever. I even dowloaded some new music from iTunes this morning to get me pumped up for tonight.

Aren't they amazing?! AND SO PINK!!

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with eating right... Stuggling with exercise... Struggling with my emotions and the lack of medication... Struggling with expecting too much from certain people in my life... Struggling with letting myself fall far too hard and far too fast... Struggling with the fact that I'm 24, I live with my parents, I'm in debt to my eyeballs and I'm constantly treated like I'm an idiot 12 year old. I'm so tired of being talked down to by my father. I want to move out, so bad.. I know it would be a dumb financial decision, but my mental health is worth something. The mental BS that I put up with on a daily basis drives me up the wall.



Does this mean I can move out? Please?



I'm an emotional mess as of late. I feel lonely. Very lonely. I wound up crying myself to sleep last night after I got off the phone with Carlos because I was just lonely. This Prozac really needs to build back up in my system. I'm sick of being a crying, depressed mess. This is so not attractive.

Any advice for a dumb 20-something just trying to get by?

-Sammie

The Perils of Depression

One of the downfalls of having depression is the dependency on the pills to make your moods stable. While I can't say that stable moods are a bad thing (neither are the pills for that matter), problems tend to arise when the pills run out... Or disappear...

I haven't had my meds in several days. I left them on the headboard of my bed and the dogs had a party in my room, completely destroying any semblance of order. In short, my pills went poof. No idea where they wound up. I've torn my bedroom and the living room apart. No dice. Luckily I did find an old prescription with some pills left, so I took a dose last night...

Since I've been off my meds, my moods and eating have been off the charts terrible. I ate a brownie for breakfast today... And I don't give a blue flying fuck. I can definitely tell that my moods have been effected. Yesterday was not exactly a very happy day in Sammie land..

That amazing friend I have that I post about a lot? He and I... Well... I'm not sure... I said some things that I should have kept to myself (not bad, per se, but things that really shouldn't have been said) and I was very upset with myself after that massive confession. His reaction was exactly what I knew it would be, but it didn't make it any less sucky. So needless to say I spent a large part of last night mentally berating myself for being a TFM (total fucking moron) and crying.

My dad was also a bit of an asshat last night. I was not amused. He was very nosy and pilfering through my shit in my room. With the mood I was in, it was not a pleasant thing... I sent him SEVERAL very rude hand gestures while his back was turned. I'm not 12... Stop trying to run my life. Leave me and my shit alone.

I really can't wait to move out on my own again. I need my own space again. I miss being able to walk around my OWN house in nothin but a pair of drawers... Or sit topless on my couch and watch Doctor Who... Or let my bits air dry after a shower... Or sleep in a pair of panties... Or leave my jeans on the floor after a long ass day and not be screamed at to pick them up... Or take care of my own shit without nagging... Or not have an MF-ing cerfew... Or be able to have people stay over without making them sleep on an icky ass couch.

I'm still in a pooper of a mood today.. I suspect I will be for the rest of the weekend too. Balls... I need a stiff drink...

Nothing Really Matters... Or Does It?

I'm sitting here at my computer at work... And I'm stuck..

What the hell am I going to talk about today?

Does anyone really even want to read about what I have to say?

Am I deluding myself into thinking that people care more about my opinions than they really do?

Why in the hell am I even keeping this blog?

What the hell is the point of me being here?

Does anyone actually read this damn thing?



Yep.. This exactly.

 Most of this, dear blogosphere, is the result of my daily battle with depression. Yes, the meds make it better, but there are still lots of inner struggles that I need to overcome in order to make it to Funky. Self doubt is one of the biggest hurdles I'm struggling with at the point. I have this nasty habit of thinking that I mean more to people than I really do. Call it ego, call it hope. Who knows. Then when People don't respond like I think they will, I get down and feel ready to give up. If no one responds, the majority must be right. I must really suck as much as they think I do.

I tend to base my self worth on whether people like me or not. And I gauge how much people like me on the most ridiculous and arbitrary things. I'm a terribly insecure person and I know that this is something that is fueled by my wonderful seratonin imbalance.




If only I can remember this


Don't worry... I'm not actually going anywhere. And I know that some people read the blog and others don't. I'm not so narcassitic to think that I'm everyone's favorite blogger. I'm just feeling a tad whiney today. Mom and I had a particularly difficult conversation this morning about my bio father which put a bit of a damper on my mood.

Until next time blogosphere, stay sane.

-Sammie

P.S. If you haven't signed up for my giveaway, go now!! I promise it won't just be the journal :) I'll throw some other (undetermined) awesomeness in the box when I mail it! You can find it here!

Rough Weekend

I've been sitting here, staring at this screen for about 2 hours trying to figure out how to put my weekend into words. I suppose I should start off with a story as to why my weekend was rough...

About 6 weeks ago I went to see a doctor about getting back on an antidepressant. I wasn't able to get in to see my PCP, so I settled for another doctor hoping to get some relief. I went in and explained my situation and that I knew I had depression and I wanted to be medicated for it.

Side Note: I am typically well educated on my own medical issues. I do my research and ask questions to clarify my own understanding. I never claim to know more than the doctors, but I do know my body better than anyone else.

The doctor I saw has the nerve/audacity/bawls/cajones/whatever you call it to blame my depression on the fact that I'm fat. He also went along to say that I would be fine if I would just go ahead and get some exercise daily. "Some exercise and a better diet with completely get rid of that depression." Yeah... Great thinking Sherlock... While I do acknowledge that exercise will boost your serotonin levels and cause an increase in mood (thank you neuroscience classes), I am aware that it will not be a cure for all of the issues.  After some raised eyebrows and begging, I got my pills and instructions to follow up in a month.

2 weeks ago I call in a refill and I am informed that my Prozac was not given any refills... So I've been without pills for about a week and a half. Being on an antidepressant and suddenly coming off is NO fun. I try to be casual and upbeat on here, but sometimes I'm a complete mess. This weekend was no exception. The smallest things made me sob or made me angry. I slept until 9 on Saturday and 8:30 on Sunday (normally I'm out of bed around 7:15 on weekends, 6:00 on weekdays), and could not bring myself to do anything productive. It was very difficult. Luckily yesterday (no work, thanks to President's Day) I was able to get into see my PCP and get a year's worth of refills and a bit higher dose. I'm not back 100%, but I'm doing better than expected!

Depression

Something that makes me a bit sad is the stigma attached to mental illness. There are perfectly normal people functioning in society today that suffer from mental illness. You typically can't tell it from looking at them, or even talking to them, but it's there. God forbid, however, that anyone find out that you do have a mental illness. The jokes about "loony bins" and "happy pills" or just the people that look at you different when the truth comes to light.

Here's the truth my dear blog-o-sphere... I have depression... I have probably had the disease since I was young, as I look back on my behavior patterns. Can't sleep (or sleeping all the time), complete lack of interest in anything, exhaustion, head aches. Sounds like me, doesn't it? That's just what people can see. What they can't see is my thoughts... No one wants to see my thoughts. Sometimes they are even too morbid for me to comprehend.

I also have a family history of depression. Apparenlty there is a lot of mental illness on my sperm donor's side of the family. From what it sounds like, I'm lucky to come off with a small case of depression and nothing else.

Since losing my job, my parents and grandparents have noticed my behavior. My mom brought up the fact that I might want to go back on an anti-depressant. I was on one a couple years ago for (what I thought) was situational depression. I made an appointment to see my doctor and got back on Prozac (there's the makings of a joke there).I've been on since Tuesday. I'm hoping I start feeling something again. The numbness is not a fun thing.