No Hesitations...

Good morning loves! It's Tuesday, which means I normally would be posting about my 5K training. There's really nothing to say about it, other than having 3 jobs, a family, and a boyfriend I don't have time to sleep... Much less actually get to run. Friday is my last day as a sub for the year, so there is an end in sight! I think I may celebrate during the weekend with a good, long, soul cleansing walk/jog/shuffle.

I'm also sexy and I know it...

I am still planning on walking the 5K on the 1st of June! I'm really excited about it! Even if I have to work that day, I will be walking! This will be the 2nd 5K I've walked in my life. I really wanted to try and run it, but between the injurines and other setbacks, that won't be happening. Now that I'm a waitress, I can't risk hurting myself to the point of not being able to walk.

So.. Now that I've updated on my training (or lack thereof), let me get to the main point of my post... No hesitations... With so much tragedy and sadness in the world today, the last thing I ever want is to have people questioning what I think about them. When I'm gone, I want no questions left unanswered, IRL or in my blogosphere. My message for the day is this... Do NOT hesitate to tell people you love them. If you think they are the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, the shiz or that the sun shines out of their ass, then tell them. Do not let another second go by without telling them how you feel. Carpe diem. Sieze the day AKA grab the day by the balls and have a frickin party!

Because I want this in writing, just in case something does happen... Here are some of the things I really want people to know..

Mom- You bug the shit out of me sometimes, but you are my hero. You sometimes act a lot little BSC, but I still love you. Sometimes I don't like you, but I will always love you.

Dad- Copy everything from what I told Mom, except you bug the shit out of me all the time. I do think that we are more alike, in some ways, than either of us are willing to admit.

Chuck- You have always been the smarter of the 2 of us. I really hope your brains take you far. You deserve so much out of life and I want you to know how proud I am of you. You've made something of yourself, despite our crap education. Sometimes I think you have no heart and no emotion, but you always prove me wrong. You just don't show your heart or emotion the same way I do.

Carlos- We've known each other for 2 years (or so)... I remember the last time I talked to you, before we lost contact. It was Christmas Eve 2011. I'll never forget it, because you said that I had upset you. I know why you were upset. It was justified. We lost 2 years with each other. Even back then, talking to you was the highlight of my day. Your feelings aren't unrequited, and they never were. I've absolutely 100% adored you since the day we met. I thought about you a lot after we lost touch. My adoration was repressed, but it never faded. I'm falling in love with you Carlos and I have been since we met.

I think this is where I need to stop. The 4 most important people in my world. I could write about this all day. At least now, whatever tomorrow brings, there is written record of exactly how I feel in this moment. This feels like a pretty intimate post. Sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable...

-Sammie

Lost: Motivation. If Found, Please Return... 5K Spring Training

Goooood morning lovelies!! It's Tuesday... I'm tired... And completely unmotivated. For the last couple days I have put on my work out clothes, laced up my shoes, and have NOT gone on a walk/jog. At all. When I walk/jog, I usually do so at night.. I leave the house about 8:15pm and I'm home by 9:00pm to shower and relex.

I need to get my rear in gear, but my motivation seems to have gone AWOL. I can't find it.. I've looked everywhere. I've become complacent and I'm fighting with myself. My inner skinny girl yells at me to get off my arse and go exercise. Then my inner fat girl feeds her a cupcake and she shuts up.. It's an internal struggle and it's making me tired!

Last night I was called away on an EMS call... Poor little girl fell off a trampoline and broke her arm. It was ugly. Sunday night, I was on doggy duty while my parents went grocery shopping. I know I live in a small town where the crime rate is relatively low, but I don't like going for my runs/walks when no one is home. I exercise outside, usually after dark. I just feel safer if I can let someone know where I'm going. They know my route in case something happens and they know when I come home. Maybe a tad paranoid, but I'd much rather be safe than sorry.

I find my utter lack of motivation very frustrating. I'm also more tired than normal... Like, I'm sitting here at work trying not to fall asleep on my keyboard. I've had breakfast, I'm sipping on caffiene, and I fell asleep around 11:20 last night. Maybe I need to sleep earlier tonight. Or catch a nap on the way home. I'm so tired and its frustrating!! Maybe the time has come to pop a Benadryl and really sleep. I can't keep zombie-ing on like this...

Going back and re-reading this before I post... Dear Lord my thoughts are everywhere... The lack of sleep must be messing with my attention span.

iPhone screen shot... Squirrel!

Countdown to 5K.. Holy Crap.. Spring Training...

Without thinking about what I was doing, I volunteered to walk in the Great Strides 5K here in Austin.. This 5K benefits the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I was originally supposed to walk with one of my students and Carlos, but both had crap come up. I asked Ellie to walk with me, but she's working on moving into a bigger apartment and has to make a trip to Texas City. My student is taking her SAT that day and Carlos was scheduled to work. Whomp whomp. Looks like I'll be hoofing it all by myself.

This is way ahead of the June 1st schedule I've been following and I'm seriously considering backing out. I don't want to walk by myself. I love the idea of 5Ks, but they're not too terribly much fun if you walk them by yourself. Normally I train by myself, but I want to actually compete with someone.

What say you blogosphere? Should I still go and walk in the 5K? I didn't pay any money to enter and I haven't really raised any money either. Nothing would be lost if I did not go, I'm just being whiney and don't want to go it alone. Additionally- If any of you beauties live in the Austin area and want to represent CHS HOSA with me, let me know! I would love the company and I can send you the link to sign up :)

I guess one of the good things that has happened is I finally got myself some new shoes. They are so amazingly comfortable. I haven't had a chance to run in them yet, but I feel that happening tonight! I haven't gone on a good walk or run in what feels like forever. I even dowloaded some new music from iTunes this morning to get me pumped up for tonight.

Aren't they amazing?! AND SO PINK!!

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with eating right... Stuggling with exercise... Struggling with my emotions and the lack of medication... Struggling with expecting too much from certain people in my life... Struggling with letting myself fall far too hard and far too fast... Struggling with the fact that I'm 24, I live with my parents, I'm in debt to my eyeballs and I'm constantly treated like I'm an idiot 12 year old. I'm so tired of being talked down to by my father. I want to move out, so bad.. I know it would be a dumb financial decision, but my mental health is worth something. The mental BS that I put up with on a daily basis drives me up the wall.



Does this mean I can move out? Please?



I'm an emotional mess as of late. I feel lonely. Very lonely. I wound up crying myself to sleep last night after I got off the phone with Carlos because I was just lonely. This Prozac really needs to build back up in my system. I'm sick of being a crying, depressed mess. This is so not attractive.

Any advice for a dumb 20-something just trying to get by?

-Sammie