From then to now... And beyond!

Howdy loves! It definitely feels good to be back and writing on a semi-regular basis. Today I feel compelled to share my progress with the world of Blogger... If you follow me on IG, you've seen the picture... But now you can hear the story behind the pictures..

Before 321 pounds After 254 pounds

The picture of me in the brown shirt was taken on the night of my 21st birthday. The guy you see in the picture is my friend Daniel. He has a band and he came to College Station to do a show especially for my birthday. That is what you see on the surface of that picture. What you don't see is how insanely unhappy I am. This was the point in my life where my fiance, Joey, was cheating on me with several different people. He wasn't there for my birthday because he had plans with one of his several other girlfriends and lied to me about doing something with his Army unit instead. 

I was the heaviest I'd ever been.. I was always the girl that said, "Oh I'm still under 300... That's not bad. I'm fine!" I stepped on the scale that morning for the first time and nearly cried. I knew I had gained some, but I didn't realize how bad things had gotten. This was the point in my life that I started Weight Watchers. I knew something had to be done. 

Unfortunately being a broke college grad meant I couldn't really afford to stick with WW. That slowed my journey, but didn't stop it. I kept steady around 280 until I began seriously blogging in February. So much has changed since that April. I'm a happier girl woman. I don't at all regret getting that big, because I firmly believe that it taught me a HUGE lesson about myself (no pun intended). I've grown to the point that I love my body! I love my curves and my pale whiteness. It's the only body I have, so I should love it! But, loving my body doesn't mean that I'm going to stop the journey. Oh no sir. I want to keep my body in good shape, so it will last me for a while! 

With my new found confidence, I've noticed that I'm trying lots of new things that I would have NEVER tried before... I'm even buying different clothing... Like this... Check out my new swimsuit!

Yes ladies and gents, that's a bikini

Yes... I actually bought that high waist bikini. It's perfect!  Plus I think it looks amazing on me.

That was the story of how it all began. I was depressed, unmedicated, and very big. Now I'm still depressed (officially diagnosed), medicated, happy, healthy, and moving. I'm convinced that nothing can stop me now!

What IS love anyway?

I've posed this question to myself recently... What is exactly is love? What does it mean? What does it entail? How does it make me feel? When I talk about love, I'm talking about romantic love between two people. I am the first to admit that there are several different kinds of love, but today my focus is romantic love between partners.

I've been conducting a quick, messy poll amongst people I know, both in the real world and in the blogosphere, about exactly what love is and what love means to them. I've gotten a wide array responses ranging from hopeless romantic to utter cynic. My intent with this project was to try and figure out exactly what loves means to me. One of the biggest problems I've noticed is my inability to tell if I love the person or if I love the idea of the person. This is my biggest struggle. Based on the opinons I've gotten, I think I'm slowly forming my own opinion. I will give the age range, relationship status and sex of the person that gave me each answer... No names will be disclosed unless I've been given permission by the responder!

Here are some of the responses to the question, "What is love to you?"

"My answer might be a little different than most. I think that love at its most meaningful is about commitment. If you really love someone, you should be commited to them no matter what and they should be to you as well...I know this isn't the "romantic love" you asked for but it's the same with my daughter. She drives me absolutely crazy some days, but no matter what I'm always going to be there for her. That will never change. I'm committed to being her dad."

Single Man (early to mid 30s)

"Love to me is when you have found that one person you're [most] comfortable with. [You] can talk to them, makes you laugh, makes you want to pull your hair out, but you wouldn't want it any other way. Someone who you can cry in front of and they are open enough to cry in front of you."

Married Woman (mid to late 20s)

"Love is being with someone and resisting the urge to toss them in an alligator infested swamp when they piss you off or nag you before 10am, because eventually you'd miss them."

Married Woman (mid to late 40s)

"That's a hard question to answer since that's not a word I've thought about for a long time.

Single Man (mid to late 20s)

"Being willing to do anything for someone no matter how far the distance, being able to carry on a conversation even if it's just one or two words at a time, and not even having to talk but being in the same room with the person is enough to calm you and make you happy."

Single-ish Man (early to mid 20s)

"Love is not a ring, perfection or keeping with the social norm. It's making it what you BOTH want, regardless of anything anyone else says or thinks. You know you're in love when you have to figure out how to function on your own in everyday life. It's finding the way to not live and breathe only for them, but also for yourself. That's when you have something special. "
Single Woman (mid to late 20s)

"Love is laughter every. single. damn. day"
Married Woman (early to mid 40s)


"Love is....someone who brings you a half pound bag of MM's when you asked for a single serving pack cause you're watching your calories--and he doesn't really care. "
Married Woman (early to mid 40s)



"Love is a force of nature. Unlike my past relationships, the love I share with my husband just found me one day. No matter how much I commanded, demanded, and attempted to push it away, I had little to no ability to change what was happening between my husband and me upon our meeting. Love is bigger than we are. We describe it as a “magnetic force.” Married Woman (mid 30s)

From all of the answers I've gotten, I've come to the conclusion that love does have some basic elemnents. Respect, commitment, comfort and dedication. What I have seen is that no one has said that love is easy. Not only does love have practical elements, but there also seems to be some sort of magical/other worldly/cosmic powers to it.. This most clearly resonated in the last response. No matter how much she fought, she still fell in love with her husband.

The conclusion I've come to is that love is like a rollercoaster.. Scary as hell looking at it from the outside... You pick someone to sit next to that you can at least tolerate, sometimes a total stranger. You sit down and get to know your seat mate, or continue bonding if you already know them. You start to feel comfortable and then the chain starts clacking and you find yourself moving forward. Your heart races as you look to your seatmate and smile. You get to the top of the first big hill and you feel like you're flying! You go over the hill and fall at incredible speeds and get flipped and twisted and turned all around. There are peaks, valleys, gut wrenching lows, heart racing highs, twists, curves, turns and that general feeling of euphoria. You and your mate reach the end of the coaster, and get comfortable again... Then it keeps going. It's a never ending rollercoaster. The absolute ride of your life.

Saying this... I really and truly believe that I've been in love once... I also believe that I have the potential to fall again some day, maybe sooner than anyone (even myself) thinks possible.

Non Scale Victories!!

Gooooood morning my dears! Welcome to another fabulous installment of Non Scale Victories! I just ADORE this link up (almost as much as I adore the beautiful hostesses Katie and Lex) ! It takes all of us ladies (and gentlemen) in the weight loss blogging world and completely takes the focus off of the scale. Who cares what the scale says? That little asshole doesn't define you! Beauty isn't measured in pounds!

This week has been (in my big headed not so humble opinion) pretty freakin fantastic in the way of Non Scale Victories. I've finally gotten back into my routine of walking nearly every night. I say nearly because I did take a break on Tuesday due to my leg being sore... I even went on a 3 mile walk last night. After the cupcakes, fried ice cream, and brownies.. I needed that walk. I was in the zone too! It was awesome! Music blaring, 16ish minute mile pace, I was there... It was awesome... Very mind clearing.

I'm also proud to say that I only ate ONE cupcake yesterday... I bought 12... I ate 1.. There are still 11 cupcakes in my parent's house that haven't been touched.. Go me!!

Non fitness related- I started a new book! It's called Moon Called. It's the first book in the Mercy Thompson series. It's Sci-Fi deliciousness.

P.S. I am still putting things together for the April edition of My Favorite Things! Check back tomorrow for the giveaway!

Reflections on West and NSVs

Good morning my dears... I'm writing to you with a very heavy heart this morning. The West, Texas fertilizer plant tragedy hit a little too close to home. Knowing that among the missing are First Responders makes me a tad weepy. You may think I'm crazy for this, so let me tell my story...

I've never talked about it much on here, but I'm a first responder. I volunteer with the fire department in my hometown. I'm an EMT/Firefighter. I volunteer to give back to the town that's given me so much. I volunteer for those who can't. I don't do it for the money, the ego stroking, or to be a hero. I do it because I can and I know that there are people who can't. I'm not an attention whore and really it's a little uncomfortable to talk about. I don't view myself as a hero. I never have. It's just something that has to be done...

I haven't been very active in the department lately due to my job and lots of pissant political bullshit going on within the department. I will say though, some of the most humbling and satisfying moments of my adult life have taken place on the scene of an EMS or Fire call. One of them I want to share involves a little girl that used to attend the school that I worked at. She has a heart issue that sometimes makes her heart race. She usually gets really scared and cries. One night I was called to her house... She recognized me from school and would not let anyone else touch her until the ambulance crew got there... Then she asked me (not her mom or any family, but me) to carry her to the ambulance. I can say that when I arrived her heart was racing along around 180 beats per minute. When I put her in the ambulance, the breathing exercises that she and I did together, along with my soothing and the oxygen lowered her heart rate to about 100 bpm. Still not great, but a major improvement.

It still touches my heart that the little girl wanted me to carry her... Not her mom or anyone else... Me... I don't claim to be a hero... I'm no hero.. I help people because I can... I have the physical and mental capability, why waste it?

I struggled a lot last night with my desire to hop in the car and drive to West. I wanted to go help. I didn't. I regret it. I should have gone as soon as I heard about the explosion. Now they are asking that people not come. They are innundated with volunteers. This warms my heart, knowing that so many answered the call to help. I did give blood yesterday, so hopefully my O Positive will go to someone that needs it.

Texans are a resiliant people. We will recover, but we will never forget.

I guess for this week's NSVs, I'm going to go with the fact that I'm slowly climbing back into healthy eating after my vacation. I've been the suck at tracking lately, but it's happening. Slowly but surely. I'm still going out and exercising, but tracking is waning. Probably not a good thing, but I'm not in much of a mood to beat myself up about it.

What Do You Want?

What do you want? How can I help you? What is it that you need? These are questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. What do you want for breakfast? What do you need to make your job easier? What do you want out of life?

That's the question of the decade.

This is a question that my best friend, Ellie, and I discussed last night. For the sake of her privacy I won't say what she wants. Some Most of the stuff is pretty private and her business to let the world in on. What I will talk about, however, is my stuff.. What I want with my life.

When I started this blog, it was supposed to be nothing but happy weight loss festivities. Then it evolved into something more than that. This blog is as close to being me as you can get without actually touching me. I don't hide anything, and if I'm uncomfortable discussing something I'll say so. Likely if this happens, I will open up about it on a later date. When being honest with myself, it means being honest on the blog as well. I've made some amazing self discoveries while typing in this little box and clicking publish so that the world can see what I think. This is one of those serious, self discovery posts.

Like I've said a freakin billion several times before... Chunky isn't a body shape for me, it's a state of mind. The journey from Chunky to Funky is more about transforming my mind and spirit than transforming my body... Yes, weight will be lost. Yes, health will be gained. I want, more than anything to feel better about myself as a person, no matter my size. I love the NSV and Spring Training Link Ups, because they focus on something more than weight. Funky is healthy, happy, and peaceful. Funky is what I want to be. Happy with myself, happy with others, happy with life.

For once in my life...

Getting back to what I want... Ellie and I were talking about what exactly we want with our futures. We are around the same age (me= nearly 24 her= newly 27) and both kind of stuck in a rut. She's made the recent discovery that she HATES her career and I can't get mine to actually start. We both recently broke up with our fiances and we are both looking very closely at graduate school (for the same thing, no less). We are both open to the idea of being single, but I do eventually want to find a relationship. I'm talking to a very dear friend of mine at the moment, and we've discussed the possibility of pursuing something more than friendship. It's just not time for that at the moment. I want to be single and have my head clear. Thankfully he's completely ok with that. We also live 2.5 hours apart. Damn you distance.

In the grand scheme of things.. I know that these are some of the things that I want:

• I want to eventually spend the rest of my life with someone.
• I want a person to be my significant other that isn't crazy (like bad crazy), clingy, or with mommy issues. I want to be your girlfriend/wife, not your mother.
• I want to go to graduate school. Books are my thing. Time to make them a career. Masters in Library Science, here I come!
• I want to experiment with my likes and dislikes when it comes to... Well... BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.. If you are curious, no I'm not sexually confused.. I'm as straight as the pole your momma dances on, I just have very limited experience when it comes to things...
• I want to travel. Like... Haul my ass to Europe and all over the States... There's so much I've never seen.
• I don't want to plan a stupid wedding. The thought of myself in a poofy white dress and my best friends as cookie cutter bridesmaids makes me a little... Queasy... If I find the person I'm supposed to marry, then he and I will go to Vegas... No plans for me thanks...

I don't know a whole lot about my future... It's all very fuzzy to me at the moment, but amongst the fuzzy is brightness. My future is so bright, I gotta wear shades...

Quitcherbitchin

I'm feeling particularly snarky today. I'm not really sure why. There are some happenings in my personal life that have me all wonky/insane in the membrane, but I'm not going to bore you with those dramatic details.

One of the things that I noticed while running last night is the source of my bitchin' post today. (And that's a "complaining" bitchin' not an "awesome" bitchin').



See? I'm dead sexy in red :)



Please Note:

Normally I love my boobs... They are pretty awesome and I can RAWK damn near anything I choose. No, I don't want to give you some. No, I don't have plenty to spare. YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TITS! Today, however, I'm not loving my ta-tas. I want them to shrink. I want to not hurt my back when I run. I want to not hear all the stupid ass black eye jokes from members of the itty bitty titty committee. I just want regular bewbs today... Just for today. This rant does not express my ongoing opinion of my body image. Just for today I'm bitchy.

Busty girls... Raise your hands high in the air. Don't wave your hands too much, you might get whiplash from the jiggles. I'm talking to you my dear busty ladies.

Why in the hell don't they make DECENT/AFFORDABLE sports bras for the chest-tacular masses ::snort::. (Be prepared for plenty of puns!)

I'm sorry... I'm poor... Broke as a joke on crack... My current sports bras AKA the things I wear under my shirt when I run came from Academy. They were $10-$15 each. And they don't support shit. All these bras do are stuff my lady lumps into some spandex-y fabric and hold them together as I jog. They do offer a bit of bounce resistance when I run, so I'm not looking at black eyes or anything.

I went to the gym with one of my best girlfriends over spring break... So I got a good look in a full length mirror... Holy uni-boob Batman!

Another issue with these crap-tacular boobies? Boob sweat. I freakin hate boob sweat. Especially when I run. It's the nastiest feeling in the world... My current bras do nothing to wick away boob sweat. Argh.

I've had bodacious ta-tas since I was very young. I wore my first bra at the age of 7. That's 2nd grade my friends. By middle school I was a C cup. High school I was a DD. My largest size was in college at my heaviest weight. I was a 46 DDD.

One of the things I look forward to is the possibility of boob shrinkage. I don't want to lose all of them, but I would be ok with only being a D or DD. Ain't no body got time for DDD.

Non Scale Victories Link Up!

Hola blogosphere! Welcome to my very first link up with Katie and Lex and we are celebrating the week's non-scale victories!

The object of this link up is the celebrate something we've accomplished in the path to healthier living, wihtout focusing on that dastardly number on the scale. This can be an accomplishment in exercise, diets, or maybe just the power of positive thinking.

My victory of the week is the fact that I have managed to eat a good, healthy breakfast every day! I've had either fruit, a Special K Bar or a Jimmy Dean Delight every day. No Sonic toaster sammiches, no Chick Fil A minis, no tater tots, no Whataburger. No fast food breakfasts! And another part of the victory? Mom has been eating at home with me! I've been watching my intakes on My Fitness Pal (be my friend dramallamaduck) and I've had some not so awesome days, I've had some really good days too! Celebrate the small stuff my dear blogosphere.. Small victories, small steps, big results!

Tears in my eyes..

My dear blogosphere.. I write this to you with tears pooling in my eyes and sniffles clawing at my nose. I just read one of the nicest blog posts that I've seen in a very long time. You can find it over here at Mama Laughlin. It's a letter to a big girl that she sees at her gym.

One of the reasons I haven't yet joined a gym (aside from the obvious living in the boondocks) is that I'm deathly scared of exposing that much of myself in a public setting. Those who know me, know that I'm....busty. Like... Specialty store bra busty. It's not cute, it's obnoxiious. Of course on top of the ladies, I have lots of chunk.. 290 pounds worth of chunk...

I rarely wear shorts in public and the thought of wearing ANYTHING sleeveless or cap sleeved makes my skin crawl. When I do wear shorts to do anything resembling a workout, they are men's basketball shorts. I don't own any cute capris or workout pants, and if I did, I probably would be far too embarrassed to wear them in public. Even when I was going to Zumba, I would wear my giant shirts and baggy shorts.

I also have been stared at, whispered about and laughed at... I'm not the most graceful girl ever, in fact I'm down right clumsy. Walking for me is sometimes a challenge with the clumsy and the bum knee. When I jog it feels like my leg is going to give out and it looks completely ridiculous. I would absolutely love to run or jog. Even when walking in the neighborhood, I feel the stares and hear the giggles. It's also not funny to honk, cat call, or slow down in your car.

There's so much I actually want to do... And so little I feel able to do...

Thankful..

I think I'm starting a new thing... Thankful Tuesdays.. Do you have something you're thankful for? I know I have lots to be thankful for, even though I whine, complain and bitch about things.

So what am I thankful for?

*Encouraging words from my dear Natalie over at Beauty and Brains with Brown Eyes. We were roommates in college and have seen each other through some of our highest highs and lowest lows. She read my blog yesterday about the suck known as eating healthy and offered me some super helpful tips!

*A student came into the library this morning and asked, "Hey miss! How's my beautiful ginger doing today?" He's a sweet kid and kind words are always a good thing on a bad hair day!

*Special K meal bars.. I was really skeptical when I opened that thing this morning. How in the hell is something so small supposed to keep me full? Surprise! It works. I'm not eating the paint off the walls yet :-) And it tasted good!

Remember blogosphere... When life looks like it couldn't crap on your good shoes anymore, there is always a little something to be thankful for. What are you thankful for today?

Reflections Pt. 2

More reflections musings on my post about reflections (see what I did there?).


It's amazing the power that one reflection can have over your entire day. Reflections even have the power to alter moods. I'm not talking strictly about negative reactions, reflections can cause positive changes in mood, but only if you have the cajones to train yourself to have that positive reaction.

It's all a matter of having the courage to look at that reflection and say, "damn she fine" rather than the typical reaction of "ugh, nasty ass heifer." It takes a hell of a lot more balls to praise yourself than it does to tear yourself down.

I, personally, do not have 1/10th of the nutz it takes to look at myself and say, "heeeeey sexy lady!" Negative. Nope. I don't like looking in mirrors, or windows, or shiny cars. It's nearly unbareable for me to watch while I brush my teeth. I've also mastered the art of brushing my hair without a mirror and I do not wear make up. Why in the hell would I want to stare at myself for that long?!

This is something that I'm going to have to fix. No amount of diet and exercise can undo the self loathing that's been engrained in my psyche for years. This is something that is probably going to require professional help. Oh freaking yay...

Me miss you long time?

Howdy howdy...

Long time no update.. Been a tad busy.. Work is royally kicking me square in the arse, and I barely have time to eat. Much less blog or workout. Yes, working out relieves stress. When you work until 2am and have to be up again at 0730, the time to workout flies directly out the window.

With school FINALLY coming to a close, I'm going to have some free time on my hands which means more workouts. Plus I'm going to re-do my living room and work on finding different work. I love my job, I really do.. But for reasons I refuse to post on the internet, I think it may be time to move on.

I have another reason for getting my lard butt back into workout mode too. I'm planning a cruise!! Fiance, me and one of my BFFs (best f*&%ing friends) are taking a cruise next August! We've gotten our savings plan in place and we're all motivated to work our asses off to look sexier than we already are. I haven't said anything about the cruise on Facebook and I probably won't. Come next August, I will be lounging in the Caribbean Sea with my 2 favorite men... CAN'T WAIT!!!

Setbacks

The title of today's post is setbacks... I draw the inspiration from a near injury I got from walking tonight. For those that know (and sometimes love) me, know that I have the worst knees of any mid-20 something that you know.

Tonight during my walk, one of my knees decided it wanted to pop, crack and generally hurt like biz-atch. My friend that I walk with was really worried and offered to stop for the night. I refused to stop and we walked one last lap around the school.

No matter what you perceive as a set back, you shouldn't let it stop you. Setbacks are minor, however they lead to something worse... Quitting. And along with quitting, there are excuses. Don't let a small amount of pain, a tv show, or emotional drainage set you back from a goal. Keep pushing ahead. Things will improve.