Spring Training Link Up: Boston Thoughts

Good morning loves... It's Tuesday, which means it's time for the Spring Training Link Up. As a special link up today, Katie has given us the option to reflect on the Boston tragedy. Since I really have nothing to update as far as my training (I've been a complete lazy bum resting since I hurt my calf and have just been walking), so I figure it's time to sort through some of the emotions I'm feeling about Boston...

This is one of those things where I feel like I will always remember where I was when I heard the news. I have a couple of these events in my life that have stuck in my memory.

The first major event I remember is the Branch Davidian Compound in Waco burning... I was 4. I remember seeing the building burning on TV in the waiting room of a doctor's office. Mom was in for one of her pre-natal checks with my brother. The TV was huge and I'd never seen a fire that big. I don't remember a whole lot else, but I remember the building.

The second is of course, 9/11... I was in the 7th grade. We had just switched from 1st to 2nd period. It was my math class... We thought it was odd that our teacher had her TV on in the room. I'll never forget watching that... I don't think I moved from my seat the whole morning. My class watched the towers fall on live TV.

Yesterday I was just settling in to the Business Management class that I was subbing for. I got the news from my ESPN App first, then 10 seconds later a text from my mom. Very sad..

My only thoughts towards this entire happening... I hope they catch and prosecute whoever is responsible for this gutless, cowardly and vile act. I don't care who did it, I don't care what their motives were, I don't give a shit about any of that. Catch the bastards and hold them responsible.

P.S. I do feel the need to whore myself a little... Follow me on instagram!! Just look for fromchunkytofunky! 

It's all in your head!

It's all in me 'ead! IT'S ALL IN ME 'EAD!!!

Ok... So I don't have the awesome accent to say it like the cute little farmer guy on Chicken Run. Oh well. I promised a post about this topic last weekend, and let's just say that life happened.

I have a bit of a....quirky..... relationship with food. It's not as terrible as some stories I've read, but it's not super healthy. Like most girls women I know, I get the typical cravings when my Aunt Irma is coming to visit (along with water retention and at least one zit somewhere on my face).

When I was growing up, I was taught to clean my plate. Eat all the food on my plate, because there are starving children all over the world who would kill to eat like you do. I was also taught that it's quite rude to turn anything down that is offered to you. "Oh! You want me to eat this cake and that ice cream and then pizza as a snack?! OK!"

This is still a mindset that I struggle with.... To.This.Day. I no longer feel bad turning food down from people. Shockingly enough, people won't like you any less for saying no thanks to cupcakes. Who knew?! Leaving food on my plate or the table, however, is an entirely different story.

Pizza (along with Chick Fil A) is my complete undoing... Pizza more so than the other... I love pizza. I could eat pizza daily, 3 times a day. Pizza is the food of the gods... NOM NOM NOM.

I had something really scary happen to me a couple weekends ago. James and I went to Pizza Hut for dinner on a Sunday evening. We ordered a medium thin crust meat lovers and a small order of cheese bread. We both ate 2 peices of cheese bread and 2 slices of pizza... Leaving half the pizza to be put in a box and taken home. We were both satisfied at this point and decided that we wouldn't be eating anymore. We sat there sipping water and something very scary happened to me..

I wanted to finish the pizza... At one point in my life, I would have finished the pizza. I told myself, "No.. This is just a craving. You aren't really hungry. Do not eat the pizza." I broke out into a cold sweat, my heart starting racing and I started hyperventilating. I had a freakin panic attack over not finishing the pizza.

I've had panic attacks before.. I'm not stranger to them. But let me tell you.... That one was by far the scariest for me. I've never had a panic attack over denying myself food. I didn't need it! I wasn't hungry! Yeah... Tell that to my hyperactive brain...

Then another day this week, Mom and I brought home Papa Murphy's pizza.. I was good and ate 3 pieces and stopped... But I could NOT put it away. I'm the person that puts food away and sneaks bites off the spoon or whatever while I'm taking care of the leftovers. Thankfully Mom saw that I was struggling and put the food away without help.

The biggest part of my struggle with my weight is all in my head. It's a mental game. I have to outsmart myself and not give in to the random cravings I have.

It's all in me 'ead... It's all in me 'ead..

Reflections

Reflections are dastardly little creatures. I'm not talking about introspection or reflections on life, love, blah, blah, blah.. Nope. Reflections in mirrors, reflections in windows, reflections in waxed, shiny cars that make you look and say, "who in the hell is that cow looking at me in the mirror/window/shiny car?" "Wait, that's me? Shit." Those reflections, my friends, are the objects of my wrath today.

I caught a glimpse of my reflection a couple days ago in the window of my dad's office. My immediate thought was (no censoring here), "holy shit I've gained weight. Freakin fat ass." It was a smash to the ego that I really didn't need want. I suppose I did need it. I knew that I've been eating like complete crap lately (damn you cute little Girl Scouts with your crack cookies!) and I'm not exercising... Like ever.

I haven't stepped on the scale since that doctor's appointment (which is a whole different story, dumbass MD). I really haven't wanted to and after seeing my reflection I sure as hell don't intend to anytime soon. It did however, spark a small change in me. Since I saw my reflection, I haven't eaten anymore delicious little crack cookies, I've switched my Cheetos for Baked Lays, and I'm laying off the deep fried potato-y goodness at breakfast.

Small steps sparked by a reflection. Small steps my dear blogosphere...

In-san-it-y

With all the insanity that work has been this week, I just realized that I missed my normal Thursday link up. Oops.

Let's see.. I made a trip to Arlington this week. Good times. Work sent me to a workshop ON THE FIRST FREAKIN DAY OF SCHOOL. It was a great workshop and I learned a lot, but it put me way behind. That and work is just not good. It's actually downright awful. I won't put details down (to protect the innocent and the assholes), but it's not good. While in Arlington, I got to see my lovely best friend Brittany. We were roomies in college and have managed to stay in touch.

I have been managing to eat much healthier, and have recently discovered a love of grapefruit. It's really good! So that's usually my breakfast. Yum. I splurged last night on Applebees. It was amazing. I love the queso.. and the chicken strips.. and the booze tea. There are so many better things for me, but I didn't care.

That is the problem. If I have a bad day week, I turn to food for comfort. Fried food, sweet food, salty food.. Any food. This sounds a bit disturbing as I type it.. It doesn't sounds like I have a very healthy relationship with food..

Stress doth not a pretty waistline make...

I've had this post in the Draft category for several days now, trying to decide what kind of whimsy to enlighten my small, but relatively dedicated readership with.. Instead of imparting some random snippet of inspiration or a delicious recipe, I'm going to vent a little bit.. It may not be pretty, it may be less than coherent and it may not be classy, but dammit I need someone to just sit there and listen to me lament and complain.

For those of you that know me personally, know that James is currently without work... He was working for the school as a sub, but that's not cutting the mustard anymore. He needs something full time, preferably with benefits of some sort. It's not happening at the moment. Not at all. He's trying, but it's not happening. The burden of carrying our little 2 person household on the penance that I make monthly is taking its toll on me. I weighed myself this morning and nearly sobbed... I've gained nearly 10 pounds of weight back, thanks to the shit diet of processed crap that we are forced buy, because it's all we can afford. That and the fact that all I want to do is go to bed and sleep.. Sleep and maybe not wake up for a few days.

Between him being jobless, the stress of my job (crap on toast that's a complicated story), and the stress of being completely and utterly poor are taking it's toll on my body. My fingers peel (gross, yes) when I get stressed. The skin literally comes off my fingers in tiny, disgusting sheets. While yes, I do have an extremely mild case of eczema, it's still completely gross that my hands do that.

Don't get preachy and tell me to go for a run or go workout... Just don't.. Yes, it will make me feel better... I don't have the energy to get out of this chair, much less drag my lard around the block a time or two.

There's my rant. Wordy, snarky, and pretty depressing. Hopefully the job fairy will be kind to us soon... That would relieve some of the emptiness I feel.

Shame shame shame...

Yes.. Shame on me.. I've neglected you for far too long! How's about an update?

Zumba today.. Oyuki had new music for us, and it busted my bum! It was a lot of fun trying to learn the new moves, but (I'm sad to say) I miss doing squats! I may get the song and do some squats on my own.

Friday I went to the doctor for my yearly wellness check. The only issue they've found is the fact that I'm obese (duh... moving on). The crappy part is, for the first time in my life I've had to have the fasting blood work done to check my thyroid, glucose and cholesterol.. Lame.. Oh well, I knew it was coming eventually. The doctor and medical student that saw me gave me some really good tips on weight loss and have encouraged me to start counting my calories. >.< I'm horrible at counting calories.. They also suggested exercise using some resistance bands (which I bought on Saturday!), and maybe some body weight exercises to start building muscles.The medical student said that I was building muscles, so I should expect little to no change in weight..

My goals/stats haven't changed lately.. I haven't met any of my goals.. I have noticed a difference in the strength of my joints and I think I've lost some inches, but no real weight loss... I'm not feeling super motivated at the moment..

Needs vs Wants

I need to:

Sleep more
Eat better
Exercise daily
Love myself and all that I am

I want to:

Feel better
Look better
Be better able to handle my inner (and outer) demons
See myself in the mirror the way everyone else sees me

After examining this list, I've come to the conclusion that my needs are directly related to my wants. All of my wants can be achieved through fulfilling my needs. The most difficult want I'm facing at the moment is the handling of my demons (both interior and exterior). One of those demons is my cravings for completely horrible food. I'm talking my pizza/pasta cravings. I know that a little bit of anything isn't horrible every now and then, but this is the thing I struggle with the most. Sure, you can tell me all this wonderful/inspirational crap about food.. That's great.. However, it feels different for me... I'm a stress eater, a salt craver, and a binge eater of all things starchy. Unhealthy food is my main demon, I just have to figure out how to keep it from killing me.

Frustrations

Today's topic is something that I'm sure we've all hit at one point or another. Frustration. My frustration stems from that stupid little machine that I step on every morning and the number it spits out at me. Yes my friends, I'm talking about the scale.

I've been exercises at least twice (typically 3-4 times) a week since the last week in February.  I've drastically cut down on soda (the diet kind) and drink one once every 2 days or so. I don't eat a ton of sugar anyway (I cut way back after my mom was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes a couple years ago), but Ive cut way back on what little I eat. I'm drinking more water, eating more fruits and veggies, less carbs, better protein and more whole grain... Then why in the heck does the number on that confounded scale NEVER MOVE?! Actually, wait... Let me say that again... THE DAMN THING SAYS I HAVE GAINED! Seriously? Seriously. Talk about a major frustration.

I will admit that my last couple dinners haven't exactly been the model of healthy living, but I do what I can with what I've got. I feel better, and I can tell that I've got more muscle tone than I have had in the last few years. Unfortunately everyone looks at the little number from that stupid machine. That number is used to calculate BMI and the doctors always lecture us about it, but when we try to change it the damn number doesn't move!

ARGH!