Ouch...

Something happened at work today that piqued my interest... Apparently a bunch from the high school that I normally sub at took window paint to a rival high school's vehicles. Stupid high school assery..

I heard about what happened, so I went on twitter to check it out. Pretty reliable source, considering the kids actually fessed up to being there. So, I was searching on twitter and I came across some tweets making fun of me...

Apparently I was talking to myself in 2nd period today and the kids saw me. This is normal for me... I tend to talk to myself when I'm thinking or writing (I did both today). I wasn't prepared, however, for being made fun of... Strike one for my fragile ego :-(

I suppose this is something I should expect. I'm an adult, they're kids. They are supposed to think I'm a little BSC. I just wasn't prepared. Lesson learned blog-o-sphere... Don't search for high school news on twitter and expect to come out with your pride intact.

Depression

Something that makes me a bit sad is the stigma attached to mental illness. There are perfectly normal people functioning in society today that suffer from mental illness. You typically can't tell it from looking at them, or even talking to them, but it's there. God forbid, however, that anyone find out that you do have a mental illness. The jokes about "loony bins" and "happy pills" or just the people that look at you different when the truth comes to light.

Here's the truth my dear blog-o-sphere... I have depression... I have probably had the disease since I was young, as I look back on my behavior patterns. Can't sleep (or sleeping all the time), complete lack of interest in anything, exhaustion, head aches. Sounds like me, doesn't it? That's just what people can see. What they can't see is my thoughts... No one wants to see my thoughts. Sometimes they are even too morbid for me to comprehend.

I also have a family history of depression. Apparenlty there is a lot of mental illness on my sperm donor's side of the family. From what it sounds like, I'm lucky to come off with a small case of depression and nothing else.

Since losing my job, my parents and grandparents have noticed my behavior. My mom brought up the fact that I might want to go back on an anti-depressant. I was on one a couple years ago for (what I thought) was situational depression. I made an appointment to see my doctor and got back on Prozac (there's the makings of a joke there).I've been on since Tuesday. I'm hoping I start feeling something again. The numbness is not a fun thing.

Body Acceptance vs Am I really healthy?

The title of the post really says it all... One thing I've been hit with lately is the fat acceptance or body acceptance movement. It's all about honoring what you've been given and aceepting who you are/not wanting to change it. I'm completely caught in the middle.

I would love to be able to accept what I've been given, but on the other hand.. I'm at a huge risk for diabetes, hypertension, and my joints suck. I wish I lived in a different area, so I could find a gym buddy.. And not one that will hit on me at every turn.

I'm also hesitant to join a gym, knowing that it's not likely that I would get to go often. My work schedule is funky enough to make it nearly impossible to go regularly. I'll figure something out I hope...

PMS Brain, Moving, and Jobs

I'd call this a productive weekend, at least a productive Saturday. I can't say much about today, other than PMS is a B.I.T.C.H. I hate the things it does to my emotions... I cried over a freakin Food Network special. SERIOUSLY?!

Anyway... Back to Saturday... One of my closest friends in the whole giant world moved into an apartment with her boyfriend fiance (I forgot that he proposed!!), so James, Richard and I went to South Austin to help her move. Let me tell you, 3rd floor stairs are BRUTAL. My knees were slightly angry at the end of the day. But I would do it all over again for these guys. Friday night we all stayed at their old place, and it was a blast. If a house could explode from sheer nerd-dom, the place would have been rubble.

Thursday, Richard and I went to Austin (again, yes) to have lunch with his grandpa. Harry was pretty awesome and I even had a quasi job interview. I sent a follow up email today, hoping I at least get the opportunity to fill out an application for the openings they have. I could do mid level management in Austin.. No sweat lol.

Christmas was good to me.. James got me the Complete Works of Shakespeare! That may be the one gift that I'm most excited about. It's living in my car at the moment, simply because I don't want my scavenger dog to gnaw on the cover.

Nothing overly thought provoking or sentimental today.. My brain is far too hormone riddled to even complete the blog post I started about my latest book I'm reading. Hooray for PMS brain!

Paradigm Shift

When I started From Chunky to Funky, things were much different in my life. I had a job that I adored, I lived on my own (later adding a fiancé), I cooked all my own food, and I knew exactly where my life was going and how I was going to get there...

As the saying goes, "You make plans, God laughs." I was "terminated" (which is a kind way of saying fired) from my position at school. Not that I'm really complaining... Did they have reason to fire me? No. Their reasonings were all completely insane/petty/unfounded (plus I was also able to rebuttal most of them with corrective action and lack of administrative support). Alas, I was canned. I wish I could say that I was upset about this, but I wasn't. Quite the opposite actually. I was upset that I couldn't pay my bills, but I HATED my job. I missed being an actual teacher and my administration... Well... They SUCKED. But this isn't the place for me to rant about asshats... Losing the income meant moving back home, into the bedroom I grew up in. It also meant awkward convos with my car loan people and my bank and it meant that James had to move back with his mother. Ugh.

So, needless to say it's about time to redefine FCTF. To me now, chunky isn't just the state of my body.. Chunky is a state of being. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Chunky is the sadness of missing my fiancé, chunky is the feelings of loss and failure, chunky is my daily being. The paradigm is being shifted. This is no longer a weight loss journey. This is a journey to a better life; to a life that I actually enjoy waking up in. FCTF is my journey. My life. My struggle. My ups and downs.

Normally I don't get this deep on here.. That's going to change. This is my place to be able to post thoughts without my nitpicking father dissecting my every word. This is my place to rant, rave, cry , and rejoice. Join me, won't you?

Flexing My Creative Muscles

Something I've been up to lately is making these really pretty paper roses. They aren't too terribly difficult to make, but one slip of the hand and it could turn out like crap. I'm using the crafting to hopefully keep me from snacking so much.. If my hands are busy, I'm ok!

Aren't they pretty? I'm also going to be selling them too.. One rose starts at $5. Prices do depend on size and paper type. Woohoo extra cash!

On a sadder note, I've experienced a lot of loss in the past week. I've had 3 people that I'm relatively close to pass away in the last 5 days. I really need some good news...

Hi!! I'm still alive :)

Yes, yes my lovelies... I'm still here. Work has been insane hell. Have I mentioned lately that I strongly dislike my job and my supervisors? Keep on keeping on I supposed.

My lovely, lovely best friend got married last weekend :) It was such a fun wedding! The food was amaze-balls, the decor was so cute (and so her), and the dancing was the best part. I haven't danced that much in a long time.

So you know that along with being in a wedding, means pre-wedding festivities. Showers, parties, dinners, and alcohol. O.M.G. Between the cake and the rest of the amazingness, my waistline is suffering horribly.

In comes my motivation.. I saw a picture of myself in that bridesmaids dress.. O_O Holy hells bells... There are several words that come to mind and none of them are very nice. Guess it's time to get back on the wagon with everything I suppose.