Until you.

Until you, I had never cried for a man that wasn't mine. 

Until you, I thought forever was kind of a crock of shit. 

Until you, I thought you had to spend time with someone, physically, in order to fall in love. 

Until you, I was convinced that my future held a never ending string of short, unfulfilling relationships. 

Until you, I never understood what it felt like to be truly possessive. 

Until you, I never really understood what it meant to be someone's lady. 

Until you, love was a fleeting, abstract thing that I never thought I would fully experience. 

Until you, I thought I would grow old alone. 

Then you were gone...

I didn't know what to do. 

How was I going to exist without you?

How do I love again?

Simple answer... I'm not...

I'll let you go, I'll set you free

I'll let you see what you need to see

When you find you, come back to me. 

Oh mah god, Becky...

Look at her butt...

At what point does a date stop being a date? 

I had a date last night with, let's call him R, that lasted a reallllllly long time. When I say really long time, I mean I didn't leave until 5:30. That's the second time that's happened too. 

Now I'm not complaining, and this definitely shouldn't read as such. R and I have an amazing time together. We are able to have these really deep, soul defining conversations, then watch the Simpsons. He has made me realize things about myself that no one else has. 

I should say at this point that he and I have been friends for a really long time; 4 years to be exact. It was only in the last week or so that we have really started the dating process. We consider ourselves to be best friends that just kinda fell for each other. 

Is that even the right way to say that? The feelings of affection and admiration have been there for a long time as well. It's not like the falling for each other was sudden. I've felt this way about him for several years. We never dated due to distance. 

Geezus I've just poured my soul out to my blog... Writing is usually the easiest way for me to process things. Maybe this all just needed saying?

Midnight Musings

Good evening my darlings! Did you miss me?? Of course you did :) Here is a list of happenings in my life this far:

-Moved out of my parents house! Now I have my own big girl apartment. 

-Got a job in the Dallas area! Big city girl now!

-Broke up with Carlos. Unfortunately the move caused lots of strain and he started turning into a major asshat. He was so mean and snotty before I moved. 

-Pursuing someone previously mentioned on my blog :) Yep, that's right ladies and gents... That lovely friend I mentioned several times? Now that I'm in Dallas, we can make an attempt at dating! Finally!

-Becoming comfortable in my skin. It's an ongoing process... Always has been. Thanks to aforementioned boyfriend material, accepting my loveliness is getting easier. 

-MS still isn't an official diagnosis, but with medication my symptoms are under control. No more weakling bladder!

-Chopped my hair off again! If you follow me on IG (which you totes should) you've seen my new, fierce locks. 

-Finally quit waitressing... It needed to happen. I was dying. 

That's what's up with me!! Hopefully big girl apartment means more time for teh blog :)

Quarter Century

Today is my big 2-5...

Yep, I'm 25 years old today. Holy crap. I think today is the day that I'm officially an adult. It feels so weird.

To update briefly on how things are going.... My grandma is really sick. In September she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In the last 2 weeks she has really gone down hill. She is no longer able to walk, her bowels are shutting down, and she's so weak. I really think the end is very near. It makes me so sad to know that I'm close to such a milestone in my life and so close to losing someone that's so important to me.

The Headaches, The Food, The Fat

The headaches... Dear sweet baby Jesus the headaches. I have had a headache constantly for the last 6 days. Not my normal everyday headache. These have been bitches. I guess I can't say constantly, because I was actually headache free yesterday until about 6pm. Then in the middle of dinner it hit.

I can't really tell anyone about the headaches. It makes me really sad when I mention the pain to Carlos. He gets this angst filled look on his face that utterly breaks my heart. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. It's his nature to sacrifice and comfort the ones he loves, so it hurts me to know that there's nothing he can do for me.

The food... Love/hate as always. Fucking Sonic. Yeah... Giving up Sonic for lent was not successful. I tried, but I wasn't able to hold on. I guess the good news is that the breakfast I eat at sonic lasts me WELL past lunch time. It's usually 4 or 5 before I still feeling a bit hungry, and then it's time for dinner. I know that's not good, but the calories in my normal breakfast are over half of my day's allowance.

The fat... Starting the new job... I gained weight. Almost all of it back. I am standing now at 275. I am really trying to find time to exercise and eat better, but my emotions and stress tend to get the best of me. I'm not proud of it.

MS

Afternoon lovely bloggers. Long time no speak...

I'm really happy I still have my blog, because I really need to get some stuff off my chest. Hopefully I will be able to post more often. I need this outlet. 

I'm currently undergoing testing to be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I have had 2 MRIs and a lumbar puncture this spring break. 

I have a constant headache and my lower back hurts. My toes are numb and I get random pins and  needles in my feet and hands. I have to pee constantly and sometimes I can't hold it and pee on myself. I'm 24, almost 25 and I am incontinent. 

I'm trying to fight, but I don't have the energy. I want to keep going, but I'm just tired. I want answers. I want to know why. Why me? Why this? Why now? Why can't I have some relief?

I want to be able to do cross fit, kick boxing, hell anything. 

I'm still here!

Howdy all!

I'm still around. Life has been leaving me in the dust lately. Here is a quick update on things...

Carlos and I are still together! We are coming up on 8 months of happy, fantastic, dysfunction. He's the best guy ever and I'm a lucky girl to have him. Did I mention that he cleaned my car out?! He's a brave man too.

The new job.... I love my kids. I love teaching. I have a TERRIBLE boss. She's so terrible to me. She's demeaning, rude and never misses an opportunity to cut me down. She's an asshole.

I've recently gotten into making homemade bath and body stuff :) all natural lotions, creams, scrubs mad maybe some candles eventually. I really hope that I can get good enough at making the stuff so I can sell it and make some extra money.

I got a job!!

I'm so excited!! I finally got a call for a job! And a fantastic job at that! I am the newest ELA teacher at Shoemaker HS in Killeen! HOLY COW!

I'm sososososososososososoooooooooooo excited for this opportunity. I have no idea on any details yet, but I will know more on Monday.

Oh? Best part? The school is like... 2 blocks away from Carlos' house! I may actually get to see my boyfriend on a near daily basis, instead of this once a week nonsense.

On a separate but related note, if I know you in real life (like spoken to you face to face) and you read my blog, don't use it to spy on me... I know who you are and you irritate me to no end. Oh... And your stuff? I'll get to it eventually... I'm busy being an adult... Maybe you should try it out sometime...

After that little tidbit of negativity... Back to the swooning over my job! I start on August 12th, meaning I have to cut waaaaaaay back on my shenanigans at Denny's. I love my current job, but I'm so ready to actually start my career. Career.... What an adult word... O_O The best part? This is just one more step on my road to funky-dom! Goodbye chunky!

Happy Birthday dear Carlos!

For my sweet boyfriend's birthday (which I've been planning since June!) I took him on a little overnight trip to Schlitterbahn! It was the absolute most fun I've had in a very long time. We got to spend some serious quality time together. We laughed, goofed off, joked and just generally had a blast.

I didn't manage to get too many pictures, because... Well... Water park + iPhone = disaster.

Here's a recap of our trip!

We left my parent's house around 6:30... Stopped at Denny's (yes... my Denny's) for some breakfast. We arrived at the park around 9:30 and they were already letting people in the gates! Woo! We rode some rides, walked a ton, climbed steps, swam, and had a fantastic time. Around noon we trekked out to the car for some much needed turkey wraps, chips and string cheese. Nom nom. After lunch we ventured back to the park and lounged in a hot tub to let our food settle. Around 4 we started getting hot and crabby, so we ventured to the hotel for showers and dinner. Dinner at Olive Garden was AMAZING! I had a watermelon margarita and the chicken scampi. Nom nom. After dinner we went to Chilis for dessert... and by dessert I totally mean margaritas and chocolate lava cake.

The next day we woke up and ventured back to the Austin area. We stopped at BJ's Brewhouse for lunch and trolled the outlet mall for a bit. Then on to Georgetown for snowcones and finally home.

It was the best trip I've had. Carlos told me that it was also the absolute best birthday he'd ever had. That's what I was shooting for :)

I also got him a cupcake... But it melted in the car... Oops..  Oh well... Here are the pictures I did manage to snap!

Not a very good picture... But at the water park!

Selfie before Dinner

Snow Cones!! Nom nom nom!

Not sure if you've noticed, but I kinda love this guy :)

Cara Box Reveal!

So... I'm a bit of a dunce...

I forget to do the most basic, everyday tasks.. Like check my mail. I have to actually go to the post office, so unless I drive by, I don't even think about it. 

That's why my blog is late. It took me a bit to check my mail... And once I checked it, I got distracted by something shiny and forgot to take pics and post. Oops. 

So... Here is my box from the lovely lovely Sydney! I am OBSESSED with the journal! It's definitely going in a safe place :) oh and the soap is all natural and made from goat's milk! How effin cool is that!! Thanks Sydney! You're awesome sauce!!

Faith and Patience

Today's post is a tad short... I had an interview with my DREAM school district last week. I haven't heard anything yet and it's making me really nervous. I need a dose of faith and patience. Asking for prayers/vibes/thoughts/whatever it is that you believe.

I hope and pray that Harker Heights HS is where I'm supposed to be. Hope and pray... I loved the place and the people. I know I will get the job I'm meant to have... But quite frankly, I haven't wanted anything this bad.. Ever... I want this so bad it causes me physical pain.

Monday... You suck...

Monday... Are you sure it's Monday?

All I know is that it's my Friday! Woo! I'm very much looking forward to my next 2 days off. I need them, terribly. I had to work a morning shift today. I made some serious cheddar, but damn did I work for it. Holy crap. From 11am-3pm I ran... And ran. And ran. And ran some more. I was about ready to pass the eff out. 

My eating has been a bit off lately. I'm carbing (hello tasty pancakes) and not getting enough protein or good fats. I'm really paying for it now. Damn pancakes are gone after the morning I had. Oh and the devil cakes were NOT worth the 750 calories I wasted on them. Ugh. 

So... Since its my Friday, what am I doing for my weekend? Tomorrow, I'm planning on getting some ish done to my room. Wednesday is my day with the Carlos (yep, he's still around). 

Next week is our (Carlos and me) trip to Schlitterbahn! Woohoo! I'll be sure to take lots of pics for y'all :)

Here are some of the random Pinterest projects that I'm unleashing tomorrow. 

I have a tiny room... I need all the organization I can get... And I have more clothes than any sane person should own. So yeah... ORGANIZE ME!!

From then to now... And beyond!

Howdy loves! It definitely feels good to be back and writing on a semi-regular basis. Today I feel compelled to share my progress with the world of Blogger... If you follow me on IG, you've seen the picture... But now you can hear the story behind the pictures..

Before 321 pounds After 254 pounds

The picture of me in the brown shirt was taken on the night of my 21st birthday. The guy you see in the picture is my friend Daniel. He has a band and he came to College Station to do a show especially for my birthday. That is what you see on the surface of that picture. What you don't see is how insanely unhappy I am. This was the point in my life where my fiance, Joey, was cheating on me with several different people. He wasn't there for my birthday because he had plans with one of his several other girlfriends and lied to me about doing something with his Army unit instead. 

I was the heaviest I'd ever been.. I was always the girl that said, "Oh I'm still under 300... That's not bad. I'm fine!" I stepped on the scale that morning for the first time and nearly cried. I knew I had gained some, but I didn't realize how bad things had gotten. This was the point in my life that I started Weight Watchers. I knew something had to be done. 

Unfortunately being a broke college grad meant I couldn't really afford to stick with WW. That slowed my journey, but didn't stop it. I kept steady around 280 until I began seriously blogging in February. So much has changed since that April. I'm a happier girl woman. I don't at all regret getting that big, because I firmly believe that it taught me a HUGE lesson about myself (no pun intended). I've grown to the point that I love my body! I love my curves and my pale whiteness. It's the only body I have, so I should love it! But, loving my body doesn't mean that I'm going to stop the journey. Oh no sir. I want to keep my body in good shape, so it will last me for a while! 

With my new found confidence, I've noticed that I'm trying lots of new things that I would have NEVER tried before... I'm even buying different clothing... Like this... Check out my new swimsuit!

Yes ladies and gents, that's a bikini

Yes... I actually bought that high waist bikini. It's perfect!  Plus I think it looks amazing on me.

That was the story of how it all began. I was depressed, unmedicated, and very big. Now I'm still depressed (officially diagnosed), medicated, happy, healthy, and moving. I'm convinced that nothing can stop me now!

Crossfit... Like a boss...

So... I've been MIA.. Waitressing is a HUGE time sucker...

I know several of you follow me on IG, so you know that I've recently joined the cult group known as Crossfit. My friends Ellie and Carol took me to my first class and I was HOOKED! I absolutely loved it! It's a mix of cardio, weights, and pure ass kicking. I haven't done any sort of weight lifting since high school.. I could barely walk the next day. It was brutal!

Pre-Crossfit Day 1

As crazy as it sounds... I wanted to go back! I was feeling stronger and fantastic! So I went to the Crossfit gym near where I do my laundry. I hated them... They were complete assholes. So for those of you in the Central Texas area, DO NOT GO TO MORTAL CROSSFIT! The owner of the gym was a total asshole to me when I went and asked about classes. He looked at me like I was insane when I told him my experience. Apparently this fuzzy faced asshat's goal isn't to help people like me change our lives... It's to be surrounded by scantly clad women lifting. I was beyond disgusted.

I didn't let this discourage me though... I went back to Bulletproof in Austin. I love love LOVE Rob and how understanding he is with the weaklings/fat girls like me. He will modify the hell out of a workout, so we don't get discouraged and quit.

Pre Crossfit Day 2

I loved my experience at Crossfit and hope I can find a place to go closer than Austin. I can't afford to drive to South Austin every day. I'm really excited about my next class!

I'm still here!

Howdy lovlies!!

I'm still here... Promise... Waitressing is, surprisingly, quite an exhausting job! I'm still absolutely loving it though :)

I've got several posts in the works.. I'm working on them as I get time. I'm also hoping to do my Cara Box reveal sometime soon!

Until next time loves!

-Sammie

P.S. Want to follow more of my day to day? Follow me on Instagram! fromchunkytofunky is the name and random pictures are my game!

Social Experiments

Good afternoon loves! It's my day off! Woohoo! Damn have I earned this bad boy this week.

If you know anything about me from real life, or from reading my blog, twitter, instagram or pinterest, I hope one of the tidbits you've taken away is that I'm a nerd. Nerd. HUGE nerd. Learning is fun for me and I enjoy most things geeky and obscure.

Being the nerd that I am... I devised an experiment... Will wearing makeup to work increase my tips? If you haven't noticed, I'm not a makeup girl. Hell I can barely paint my nails without looking like I went to a half blind baboon for a mani. It's embarrassing, but it's a fact of life for me. My mom have ULTRA sensitive skin and can't wear it and my grandma is stuck in the pancake days. Ew. Not cute.

I have some Bare Minerals foundation that I bought a year or so ago that has sat unopened and unused. It works as both a foundation and concealer. The lady I bought it from at Sephora told me that much. I also bought some Almay eyeliner and mascara specifically for hazel eyes. I've watched a couple how to videos on youtube, so I just went for it. Why not? What can it hurt? I've always been a big chicken when it comes to eye makeup. Quite afraid of stabbing myself in the eye.

Not too bad for a first attempt, huh?

Seeing as though it's an experiment, I need to be able to replicate the results for it to be filed as a causation, and not just a correlation. Based on last night, I saw a HUGE correlation. I didn't act or dress any differently. I saw about a 50% increase last night. O_O Holy crap. Last night (Tuesday night) I brought home about $100 in tips. DAYUM. A normal night is $50-$60.

After all was said and done... Foundation and eyes..

I didn't think I looked that much different, but I guess I did... My little brother and best guy friend said that I did. I'm not wearing anything but the mascara, eyeliner and foundation. Nothing on my lips or anything... Not too shabby, huh?

Laters Baby

Howdy my darlings! I've missed you so! It feels like it's been FOREVER since I've posted. I know I've published a couple from my phone, and I'm still working on replying to your comments. Thank you all so much for the wonderful words of encouragement after my trippy binge last week. It took some time, but I think I'm mentally healed from it. It sucked for a while and I felt like shit, but I am over it and moving on.

My weekend was 100% uneventful. I really didn't do anything except work and sleep. I was also completely boyfriend-less for the weekend. Carlos went to A-Kon in Dallas from Thursday to Sunday and left his phone at home. So I didn't hear from him until this afternoon. He said he had a good time, but he's not going again next year. The people that throw the convention moved it to a new hotel, which made prices for stuff go through the roof.

Did I mention that he said he missed me like crazy?! Woo!

He's also having some troubles at home. Poor guy. I really don't want to put his business out on my blog, but if you pray, please say a quick one for him. His family is driving him BSC.

I'm really excited for Wednesday.. It's my next day off, meaning I get to go running! I want to do some kind of exercise on my days off, but it's too damn hot in the daylight and I'm a bum that works the evening shift.

I've recently started re-reading the 50 Shades of Grey books. Why not? It's an intriguing topic and one that I've thought about exploring some. There's a fine line between pleasure and pain... Sometimes I like to pick that line up and skip rope with it :)

Laters Baby!

Cara Box Reveal!!

I can't get my blasted pictures to post from my phone! Argh!! Hopefully I'll be able to edit this post and attach them. I got my Cara Box this month from Alissa over at iAmanRD. She's from Jersey and put together a box for me full of essentials for chilling on the shore! Somehow she knew I was a NY Yankees fan! Holy cow! I love love LOVED my box girl! Thanks!

Loved the note!

Yankee Koozie!! I almost died when I saw it!

Holy cow... This stuff smells yummy!

From Binge to Victory

Howdy loves! 

Have I mentioned how much of a BSC drama queen Shark Week turns me into? It's sad. 

So I binged... Damn... I screwed up... I refuse to let one bad judgement call screw up progress. Not gonna do it. Aw hell no. 

So... How did I recover from my binge? I restarted C25K! I had to stop about half way through, because I started getting a TERRIBLE headache. I'm pretty sure it was a combination of dehydration and my body revolting against the crap I fed it earlier in the day. 

The point is, I actually got to run. And it felt gooood. With all my injury set backs, I had almost forgotten how good it felt to run. I'm going to do it again soon, I hope. With the new job, it's a bit rough to get home at 10:30 and want to do anything other than sleep. I need to figure out a new schedule, or hope that I get put on days soon :)

I binged...

I binged today... For the first time in a long time... I can't describe the absolute shame and embarrassment that I feel now. 

Before I realized what I was doing, I shoved a king sized snickers, twix, and a huge bag of doritos in my mouth. I really don't know why, but I did and I feel like shit about it. 

I think it has something to do with emotional eating. I'm sad today. Carlos is on a trip with a bunch of his friends to Dallas for the weekend. He doesn't have his phone with him and he didn't call me to say goodbye before he left. That made me sad... So I ate... And now I'm considering making myself throw it up. I know I shouldn't. I know that's bad. Hell I know that's bulimic... If the vomit makes the guilt and shame go away, then I don't care. 

I should not be like this. My relationship with food is pretty fucked up at the moment. Why? Why did I do this to myself? 

Hell I even had a conversation with my grandma earlier today about needed a new swimsuit for my trip to Schlitterbahn in July. I want to look awesome and feel sexy. I want to feel as sexy as Carlos thinks I am... Ugh. I need a hug.